me? codependent?

I’ve been struggling to navigate several relationships that are very near and dear to me – relationships that have largely been a constant, forever and always, but are now at a chapter break. The change is necessary for the relationships to grow and adapt to the people who are growing and adapting within them. Yet, regardless of the need, change can be difficult, particularly when others in the circle want it to stay the same, with each person playing the same role they always have and with the unwritten rules in full effect that preserve the perpetual sameness.

And then there’s me, marching forward in the name of growth and progress, determined to convince the rest of the circle to come along with me, and if they won’t, convinced that I must drag them along behind me until they see the error of their ways. Neither approach is working (go figure), as good as my intentions are. No matter how much love I’m pouring onto these people as I push them forward, my efforts are only increasing the distance, devolving the relationship and leaving me exhausted. Fortunately, I learned something important about myself this week. Apparently, my tendency to feel responsible for these people’s choices and outcomes are signs that I may be… okay, that I likely am… okay, okay, that I am highly probably (and maybe most definitely) codependent. There, I said it.

“Codependence”: I always thought this term belonged in the context of romantic relationships, and applied specifically to one or both partners making excuses, or enabling, the bad behavior of the other partner often when chemical dependence was involved. I understood it to mean that the codependent partner’s identity is wrapped up in the other person’s problems. They are no longer two unique individuals in a relationship, but a singular unit stuck in an unhealthy cycle. There is truth in that definition, but as I recently learned, codependence can also be applied to non-romantic relationships within families, friendships, and pretty much all human connections.

I was watching Jen Hatmaker’s Monday video this week from her porch (Mondays with Jen), and she reframed codependence for me in a way that I am absolutely certain I was meant to hear right there and then. She said: “Codependence is more about control, about trying to control somebody else’s behavior, trying to manage somebody else’s outcomes, trying to work your way into somebody else’s choices, decisions and consequences, and believing in some WILD, MAGICAL way that you can control it, that you can solve somebody else’s behavior, or that you’re RESPONSIBLE for somebody else’s health, or wholeness, or responsibilities. It’s a real gauntlet, I’ll tell you that…

“The truth is that codependency ruins lives, and it’s not to say you’re not attached to somebody that’s making absolutely terrible, destructive, harmful decisions that are affecting you and affecting your home and affecting your relationship. It’s real. Our instincts to overcompensate come from a place where we are suffering or we just want the best for somebody, and we just don’t want them to continue to do this harmful stuff, but the bad news about that is it doesn’t work. That’s the bad news, and I’m sorry to tell you: You are not responsible for other people. You are not in control of other people. It is not helpful for any of us to absorb the shock of somebody else’s consequences or choices. It’s an awful system, and I don’t like it, and I don’t prefer it…” Then with major sarcasm but a completely relatable premise, she says: “… What I wish is that I could honestly control everybody. I should be in control of everybody in my life, I know what’s best, but it doesn’t work.”

Amen to ALL of that, sister! Jen goes on to quote from a book called Codependent No More, which I had never heard of, but it’s been around since the late ‘80s and is now in its 4th ed and has sold millions of copies. I guess I just wasn’t ready for it before now. As she quotes from the book, the key is detachment:

“‘…releasing, or detaching if you will, from a person or problem in love. We mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy and frequently painful entanglements with another person’s life and responsibilities and from problems we cannot solve…’ We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow, and we give ourselves that same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability and strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. And then we stop trying to change things we can’t.” (Hello, Serenity Prayer!)

I genuinely felt like Jen was speaking directly to me. Her words were an undeniably on-point truth that I needed to hear, and maybe you do as well. Right after I finished watching the video, my phone lit up with a daily motivational text from Womaze: “Reminder: You can care about people without carrying the weight of their worries.” I felt like God was wanting to make sure I was really paying close attention. I looked up at the sky in that moment and said aloud, I hear you! I’m listening!

While I’m sure it won’t be an easy read, I’m really looking forward to reading Codependent No More (aaaannnnd completing the workbook) and doing the work to dig deeper into this topic. I know it’s not smart (or healthy) to self-diagnose, but I do recognize that I often feel responsible for other people’s decisions and outcomes – and, generally, only with people I care about who are more than capable of caring for themselves. I do vividly remember my therapist saying to me several times when I was in weekly sessions: “… and then you need to detach with love.” So there is that professional inference to my codependent tendencies.

Acknowledging that they exist and working to overcome them doesn’t mean that I don’t, won’t or can’t care about these particular people anymore or that I don’t, won’t or can’t love them just as much as I always have. What it means is that I am learning to pause and recognize when my motives for influencing others are tied up in codependency and when my motives are authentically my own. That’s a distinction that I know I will need time and lots of practice to be able to define consistently, but I am so grateful that I now know what to call it. That’s step one. Now I’ve got to dig in and clean it out. It’s not anyone else’s work to do but my own.

What I know for sure is that I love these people, and I want them in my life, despite our disagreements and the different lenses through which we view the world, religious theology, American democracy, family communication and, sometimes, life in general. But beneath those differences, I trust that there are sufficient commonalities to build a meaningful relationship upon. I just have to learn how to let those differences breathe. Let them free. And let them be. In other words, detach with love so that our shared love for one another can cover the wounds and set the healing in motion.